In a shocking late-in-the-game move, Hillary Clinton has named long lost cousin Oliver to head up her campaign. "Oliver is a lot nicer than that Mark Penn guy," said one campaign operative. "I think he's adorable, I could just pinch those cheeks," said another. This move came the day after Hillary was reported to have been upset over the amount of press Obama had been getting and was heard screaming "Obama! Obama! Obama!"
Cousin Oliver's first order of business, he said, would be to throw the kind of event that would "gain massive amounts of attention for the campign, something like a guy on waterskis jumping, oh, I don't know, a shark."
John McCain announced his wife would make a huge campaign contribution. Cindy McCain brushed off the donation, saying "I've been saving up. We have a swear jar. Every time John calls me a bitch, he puts in a quarter, every time he calls me a cunt, its a dollar." The contribution is thought to be enough to fund the McCain campaign through the convention.
And over in the Obama camp...
Barack Obama is trying to backpedal from a speech given at a fundraiser with former members of the Manson family. In the speech, he reportedly stated that a black mass praising Satan will be held his first evening in the White House. Note: the blogger who filed this report was mysteriously impaled by the antennae from a wireless router, which appears to have fallen from the sky and entered their brain just as they were walking past a church.
In the meantime...
President Bush worked hard to entertain the Pope. The Pope was not amused, however, when Bush reportedly whispered "I know you believe Jesus is the one and only path to salvation..."
Finally...
ABC News, reeling in the aftermath of the debate, is concerned about what to do with he next several weeks of planned programming. Namely a 20/20 report entitled "When Daughters Date Democrats".
